PISCES—Mars in retrograde exerts its

influence and you become sassy, feisty,

and even a bit bellicose. It would be wise

to remember that every single policeman

in the county is equipped with a taser.



ARIES—The gods of Chaos rain their

blessing upon you and make your life a

holy mess. Enjoy it. Avoid cleaning products

and leave your clothes on the floor.

Eat pomegranates. Be inappropriate as often

as you can.



TAURUS—The winter drags on and

leaves you feeling sad and grumpy. What

you need are some really good pancakes.

Wear blue underwear until March 1st.

(Please, get several different pairs.) Avoid

turning left on Tuesdays.



GEMINI—You need to get the oil

changed in your car. Removing that little

reminder sticker does not change the fact

that it’s been over 7000 miles. Flaxseed

and prunes should help that embarrassing

health problem. Buy a new hat, bright colors

bring luck. Avoid applesauce.



CANCER—You wonder why, in spite of

trying really hard to be cheerful and positive,

you are feeling so negative and full of dread.

It’s your screensaver. I don’t know where it

came from (outer space? terrorists?), but get

rid of it—now. Spin in a counterclockwise

direction while smelling an orange to neutralize

the ill effects. Tap dancing, especially

on the street, will bring good luck.



LEO—A fall results in a mild concussion.

You seem to suffer no harm but will develop

a Ziggy Marley accent that manifests

when you talk to tradespeople. You will

find it hard to get pizza delivered. Leave

the Christmas lights up until the end of

March so your good luck can find you.



VIRGO—You need more spice in your

life. Cinnamon is a good choice, with

cloves and a dash of really hot pepper. If

you can manage to combine it all in an alcoholic

drink, so much the better. Maybe

something with chocolate? You might just

find a cure for winter depression and make

yourself a mint.



LIBRA—Your health is delicate this

month, and you need to be careful. Talk

radio will give you a heart attack, and reality

shows will clog your arteries and irritate

your colon. Your best bet is to read a lot but

avoid the newspaper. Learn the alphabet

backwards; it will come in handy someday.



SCORPIO—The planets conspire to

make you uncharacteristically cheerful,

friendly, and optimistic. Your friends will

be confused, your family suspicious, and

your boss will contemplate giving you

a drug test. You will be back to your old

self before spring, and everyone will be relieved,

except for you. Something to think

about, right?



SAGITTARIUS—You will embark on a

spiritual journey this month, and it might

involve going to the underworld. Jump into

the abyss and don’t wait to be pulled in by

some second-rate troll. You will come out

of it enriched but not enslimed. Difficulties

with the mail will be frustrating; you may

want to make some cookies for your mail

carrier.



CAPRICORN—Remember, there will

be cameras in the parks, and although they

won’t reveal kidnappers or terrorists, they

will expose all those who walk their dogs

in the park and don’t clean up after them.

Change your ways, or you’ll be busted.

Read Pisces above regarding tasers.



AQUARIUS—Whatever you focus on

you will get more of. So be careful, and stop

focusing on crap. Your birthday will basically

suck, but things will improve greatly

once you get it out of the way. Spend one

day each week NOT complaining.